Thursday, February 26, 2009

Writtings from a younger self.

September 20th/2001
"So I came back from Dustins house 3 hours and 1/2 mins ago. It was so much fun! So Sarah comes over to my place with Dani and we sell 4 bars lol. Then we double on the bike but Dani has mine. So we arrived and Dusty and Gierger were there and we were gonna have a snowball fight!"
That's a short passage from my journal, unedited, from when I was a young girl. It's funny cause I remember that day as if it were yesterday. Lately I've been feeling incredibly nostalgic. Within the past year, I've made so many changes in my life, steps towards a future I yet to see. I'm already almost done my first year of University, and I've been doing so much better now, then I ever have in my years in school. I've always struggled, whether it be with grammar or math, but somehow I made it here, and somehow it seems easier. Less complicated. I am certainly not saying that it's been a breeze, I have worked hard, but I believe I've matured so much within the last year. I'm proud, I feel like a stand taller. But with every sense of accomplishment, comes some sort of downfall. My path is steering me into an unknown direction in which I feel a little torn. The people I once use to associate with on a daily basis have become monthly or sporadic moments. We have made different decisions, which have driven us in different directions, causing our once unbreakable friendship, into merely acquaintances that greet when passing by. We once knew each others deepest darkest secrets. We once spent endless hours talking about nothing and everything, and now these rituals have vanish like water that evaporates once boiled. And because of this, I reflect back on the other relationships that have gone stale, and question why? Is there a way I can stop this? Or should I just allow it to happen, and simply cherish those times we once had? But I don't want to. I want to gather all those memories, and continue creating new ones with those people I once knew. But our lives have moved forward, and now our gatherings become uncomfortable and incredibly awkward, and I hate that. Because of this, I feel forced to create new friendships, which now seems arduous. It is not as easy as it once were in elementary. As adults, it becomes much more complicated. We look for similar interests, and coordinate what time is best for whom for coffee. And because of this long and painful process, I much rather sit at home, and write something along these lines.
When I read those grade 5/6 students blogs, I read a little bit about myself. It's as if I am reading my own journal entries, with its big bubbled letters, and heart shaped dots over the j's and i's. You can sense the excitement in their writing when they talk about their sleepovers, or the school dance. With every sentence, they end with an exclamation mark, which is exactly what I once did. I smile, but my heart also becomes heavy. I feel incredibly old, even though I am merely turning 20 in 4 weeks, but when I read those journal entries, it reminds me of who I use to be, and how fast time has passed. I'm not saying that I would like to repair my past. I just wish someone warned me how fast your life goes by.

Photo found in flickr
By Aubrey Arenas


  1. Yes, they dance with us! mostly all the time! slow and fast. I think we are more then cool we rock!!!! haha but hey they werent that bad they where AWESOME!

  2. Great blog Alex. Way to share that. I can totally relate to alot of what you are feeling also. C H A N G E, and memories and missing how things were, friends...


  3. Hey Alex,
    I really like this post, and you really hit the mark on what I feel with my old high school friends. We still hang out once or twice a month, but it is different. I'm the only one that went on to university and I feel like I've just grown more(?) or just in a different way that they have. Like I've been let onto this great secret that I'm not sure they'll ever discover or understand. Instead, I've found people in university to spend my time with, education faculty or not. I don't know what it is, but it is sad, and it feels like an ending and a beginning. I hope you'll find your niche soon.